The Quiet Middle: The Postpartum Phase No One Talks About

There’s a phase of postpartum that rarely gets talked about — the quiet middle. The months around 5–8 postpartum when the newborn adrenaline has worn off, the visitors have gone home, and life is expected to be “back to normal.” But many mothers don’t feel back at all.

In this episode, we talk about the emotional and identity shifts that happen during this in-between season — when your baby is becoming more aware, your routines are evolving, and you’re navigating sleep changes, work, marriage, and a version of yourself that still feels unfamiliar.

We explore the realities of this stage: the quiet exhaustion, the changing dynamics in relationships, the pressure to feel confident again, and the slow rebuilding of identity, ambition, and trust in your body.

Because the quiet middle isn’t dramatic from the outside — but internally, it’s where so much of the real transformation of motherhood happens.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Raising Hustle, the unfiltered podcast for the moms who are building empires with babies on their hips and grits in their hearts. I'm your host, Mariel Fry, bookkeeper by trade, hustler by nature, and mama by choice. Around here we're raising kids, raising hell, and raising the bar. If you're tired of choosing between nap time and next level dreams, this is your space. Let's redefine what it means to have it all on our own damn terms. Hey hustlers and mamas, welcome back to Raising Hustle, where we're talking about the quiet middle of postpartum that nobody actually talks about. And it doesn't really get airtime. Because it's not the newborn blur, it's not the dramatic birth story, it's not the triumph bounce back. It's this quiet middle. And I can't explain this to you, but somewhere between really the first year of postpartum, specifically between month four to month like eight or nine, the adrenaline's worn off, the visitors stop coming, your baby is more alert, more mobile, and probably a little bit more opinionated, and you're expected to be back. Back to work, back to your body, back to your marriage, back to your normal. But what if you don't feel back at all? In this episode, we're talking about the emotional, mental, relational, and identity shifts that happen in this in-between phase, the phase no one prepares you for, because it doesn't look dramatic from the outside. But the inside, it can feel like everything is rearranging. Number one, the adrenaline has worn off. This feels so crazy. But it is survival, right? And we talk about survival versus sustained. And I know from my experience, there's so much excitement when you have a baby. It's this newborn phase. Everybody wants to send presents and cards and congrats, and they want to know the birth story. And there's so much love and support, especially family coming in. And that is a time you 100% need help, in my opinion. I was so grateful my mom was here the first three weeks. Just everything you go through with your body and your mind, it's a lot. And so having that help in the in the beginning is everything. But over time, the help, and look, some situations have help. I know for my husband and I, we felt after three months, once he slept through the night, we're like, okay, at least we're not so sleep deprived anymore. We feel like we made it, quote unquote. But did we? Right. And so what I've experienced, and I'm excited to really dive into this episode, is what I experienced really, I talked to so many moms between like five and eight months postpartum. It is one of the worst times ever. And it's not something talked about. It's not something that anybody really sheds light on. At least I've tried to find some research. And there's more out there, but I think there needs to be even more said, like moms, like from myself. And I think there's a big difference between baby blues and like postpartum blues to a point. Baby blues are typically the first two, three weeks after you have a baby, you have this massive hormone drop. You go from this incredible high to incredible low within 24 hours. And I just cried every day for two, three weeks uncontrollably, not trying to. It's just your hormones. But when nobody really talks about with postpartum, it's not, it doesn't hit you like two, three months after. It's once you get in this routine with your baby and your baby's a little bit more alert and aware, it's just your hormone shift. I know for me it was really real to go through this. And I remember at six, seven months, I just had a mental breakdown of like, how am I going to do my business? How am I going to have a baby? How am I going to run a house? And I really just, the biggest thing for me was not being afraid of help or asking for help. But the emotional roller coaster and the postpartum, especially just in general, the first year is so hard. But I would say the adrenaline of like the first month, month and a half after people check in and want to know how you're doing, there is this massive shift that it more wears off. And it feels like, is anyone checking in on me? Does anybody care? What's happening? And it's so it's very real if you are in that season of life right now, especially like they said, that five to eight month postpartum window just feels brutal. Number two, you're not a new mom, but you're not fully you either. There is a massive shift. I'm going to say zero to one is a huge freaking shift, at least for me. And I would say for a lot of other new moms, new parents in general. You're not in the newborn phase. You're not in that, like technically they claim newborn is like the first eight weeks. And then you have a baby, and then eventually they turn to a toddler, supposedly 12 to 18 months or 18, 24 months. I still don't know all the terminology, even as a seasoned mom, quote unquote. But I still don't feel seasoned, even with my son recording this at 17 months. You are trying to go through this identity shift of like who you used to be to who you are becoming. And you're supposed to have it together. Like after a few months, you're supposed to like know what you're doing and you're supposed to like just handle it and deal with it. And it's really fucking hard. Like, let's be real. It's hard. It's hard to navigate this water, these new heavy waters, this new life that you've given life to. And figuring out all of the things, right? How to be a mom, how to, how do you still become a good wife? How do you stay a good family member? How do you stay a good friend? How do you stay a good boss? How do you stay a good employee? Like, how do you build that confidence? And I think after a few months, we're just supposed to like be back to normal. And as moms, like we're really not back to normal. It's just like we're not. And so I challenge you to think of who are you becoming in this version of motherhood? What are you trying to be? Who are you looking to become? And you cannot figure this out overnight. You cannot figure this out overnight. You're kind of in a really weird in-between. And you shouldn't have all the answers right now. Let me just be clear on this because I think we think we have all the answers, but we don't. And we're going through this tremendous transition. It is the biggest transition you will ever go through in a woman's life, in my also opinion. It is the biggest transformation of a lifetime. And so if you don't have all the answers right now, you're not supposed to. And that's okay to not be okay as well. And so just give you that permission slip to be like, you're not fully you right now, but you're not supposed to be. And that's okay because you will be. I promise you, you will be. Number three, the sleep and schedule plot twist. So I was very fortunate. My son slept typically after three months. I know there's a lot of regressions. My son had a weird four-month regression because he was kind of sick, like with a cold for maybe a day or two. But otherwise, he was pretty good. So shout out to the mamas who are just not getting sleep or their kid is not sleeping through the night. That feels like hell and that feels hard. And I would suggest maybe hiring a sleep consultant or talking to somebody or a professional, anybody to help you. And I know for me, going through this like six to eight month kind of change in my son. He started to sit up, the Buddha baby. I love someone quoted that. Like the baby sits up but doesn't move, and they just kind of stay and play with a few toys. It was a great phase, but it's a hard phase. It's really hard. And you're also transitioning your baby at six months to more solid foods. I did puree's for two, three months, and my son loved them. He pretty much ate everything, I think, except carrots, but he was really good about just having all kinds of baby food. Then you're trying to figure out a routine and what that looks like. And it felt really hard for me. As much as my son, it was scary now that he walks. I like that he's a bit more independent and I can like run around for a little bit and do something, not for long. But I felt with a baby, it's just this constant and it's so physical. And you're just thinking of every little thing imaginable with like a bottle or a boob or pumping or the transition to solid. And maybe your baby's growing at a rapid rate. So you're going through clothes quicker and you're changing the diaper size faster. It's a lot. It's a lot. Plus, on top of all of that, your baby just actually becomes more aware. I joke with people at like seven, eight months. I felt like my son recognized me. Like before that, I felt like he was a blob and an alien. And not in a terrible, weird way. It's just, I felt like he just wasn't aware. And babies typically aren't aware of like what's going on. And it wasn't until that point I felt like he recognized me that I was his mom. And it was demanding and it was hard once he did recognize me. And now that he's even older, when he sees me, he cries for me and wants me. So I almost like have to hide. So he doesn't see me. But it's just a, it's a, it's a weird transition, especially that six to eight month phase of their poops being a certain way because of the formula or breast milk you gave. And then you're giving them food and you don't know how their tummy's gonna react and what kind of allergies they're gonna have. It's just so much change that's constant. And you just feel like, what the hell am I doing? I feel so dumb. I don't get this. And you're not dumb, you're not stupid. You're just going through a massive trial and error on this because it's exhausting. It's exhausting to play the guessing game all the time of will my kid like this? Will my kid like that? Will does a routine make sense? Can I feed them this? Will they enjoy that? You just don't know. You don't know what you don't know. And it's hard. You're you're like I said, it's spaghetti on the wall, it's trial and error, you're figuring it out. And mamas, you're doing a great job if this is the phase of life you're in, because it's so freaking hard. It really is so hard. And I just commend you for always trying and like never giving up because it feels like you just want to throw in the towel. I know I did. There were some days I just I wanted to scream at my son. He just didn't want to eat, or he was fussy, or he just would fight me on a nap. And we had a good routine and then it changed. It's hard when you are so used to a routine and then they change. They get older. When you have to be able to be flexible, just like in business, you have to be able to be flexible in your own business and adapt to that just like a baby. They're gonna change just like your business is gonna change too. Number four, marriage in the quiet middle. Usa, this was rough for my husband and I. We really felt like roommates. And for anyone who says they don't feel like roommates, like kudos to you. Write a book, tell everybody, make millions. My husband and I felt like absolute roommates. We were fortunate to have a couple bedrooms where we kind of played musical beds. And it might not be that way for our second, because I am pregnant with my second seven months in recording of this. But it was really hard for our marriage. I became very resentful. It was a word I never used before a child. And it's a word I use all the time, I feel like. And I'm not as resentful anymore. I think in the beginning I was because my life, my husband's life, did not change. He did not birth a baby. He did not hormonally go through all the shit I went through. And so he was able to go out and like not think about the baby, not not think about the baby, but it wasn't a top priority for him. Like he would come home and help and be tremendous in that sense. But this was my thought process 24-7. And you do feel like you get angry when he doesn't do dishes or you get angry when he doesn't help. I know I did, and I get very frustrated and we got in a lot of fights about this. And so hiring cleaners twice a month has been really helpful. And obviously, having babysitters now has been helpful. Plus, my husband, when we first had our son, he left his job to start a business. And it was really challenging on our relationship. But now he's got a little bit more flexibility where he can be home. And I think, truthfully, for men, they don't understand the baby phase. I think it's weird. It's weird. I think men, unless it's like your child and you're in it, I think men can feel very intimidated by babies. I think, look, my dad was scared to hold my son, my father-in-law was scared to hold my son. And this is their grandson. This isn't like a stranger. It's they're little and they're fragile and it's it's intimidating, you know? And so I can understand why a man would feel that way. I think even let's talk about the taboo topic of intimacy. This was weird. I think for a lot of women, you just don't want to have sex in the beginning, or maybe you do. Your hormones kind of go in and out of whack. I know for me in pregnancy, I just did not want to. It was not interesting for me. I just felt like fat and gross and disgusting. And I just wasn't into it. And even after, like your body, like you're bleeding, and I have stitches, and it's just not enjoyable. I had a second degree tear, like not fun. Even just like the, like for me, my first poo. It took me a couple of days after my son was born to even poo. And I was so nervous. But with stool softeners and some confidence and just really having to go, I just did it. And my husband was just there. I mean, he was really there though. And at the end of the day, the biggest thing that we're taking into for our second child is shifts, brand new sleep shifts. And we both will be able to sleep through the night. And that will be huge for our marriage, and that will be huge for what we're doing. I personally am not going to breastfeed. I'm not going to pump. I'm not doing any of it. It's just formula. We both 50-50, and that's it. Because we want to grow our family and thrive and be successful in this, but we need a plan of action and we need to make sure that we're both mentally okay and we are each other's like best support without trying to be build any more resentment. Because it's hard. I think when you especially have a new baby, there is so much change, especially zero to one. It is the biggest change of your life. And it affects so many people, especially like you and your spouse and your partner. It can be really hard. I know for my husband and I, this was the hardest transition of our relationship. But we felt like if we could survive this, God willing, just kidding. But we can survive this too. And again, just know with babies, I just think this too shall pass. Number five, work, ambition, and guilt. So being an entrepreneurial mama and having my own business, this was really hard for me. Wanting my business and my baby. And I felt this tug a lot. And that's why I personally hired Shine Chi Eo because she caught me on a really bad mental breakdown, essentially, and helped me build the systems in place where I feel so much more confident to bring a second child into the world because of her. And so I am eternally grateful. But let's be real, I can't work the caliber I worked before I had a child. Like I joke, I was joking with somebody and even my husband about this recently. How before a kid, like we were like on vacation. We had so much time. Now with a baby, like there is no time. You can't just like go out on a whim. You don't have that kind of freedom. Even with my business, like I work in between naps. I'll work three in the morning. I'll work eight o'clock at night. Like I'm recording this right now at eight o'clock at night after my son goes to bed. And I make sacrifices to find nuggets of time for productivity. And look, I don't have the village. I don't have like the family to come around or anybody who just wants to help me for free. Like very few, the only person I truly have is my mom when I ask her to come when I really need her to come. Other than that, my productivity is just not the same. I still produce good work and I have a team that I delegate, but I physically, there's not enough of me. And so I can only be as productive as I can be. And that's why I hire more babysitters or I hire more help or whatever that looks like. Because I think for type A women who want to grow, it does feel like you're falling behind sometimes. I know I do. I feel like I'm not good enough, or I'm not making enough money, or I'm not striving my best. And it's really fucking hard. It's hard to like love your child and want to be a mom, but it's also hard to like love your business and want it to grow because you're pulled and tugged in so many directions. And it's like, which one do you go to? Which one do you thrive in? And the biggest thing I would say for myself is like redefining what ambition means, redefining what productivity means, redefining what your life now looks like. And what kind of shift I think you date a structure, you date a routine, you date a rhythm. Two days are ever going to be the same in my life as an entrepreneur. I know that for damn sure. No two days are ever going to look identical, especially when I have a business that needs me, just as much as a child that needs me, just as much as a house that needs me to be there, and a husband and family and all these people. I have to redefine what my life looks like. And I'm still ambitious. I still want it all. But I need to be mindful of what that looks like in my season of life right now and what is, what do I want? And that's what I'm going to question for you, Mamas what do you want? What ambitions do you have? We don't lose our ambition. If anything, we strengthen it and we're just more clear on what the ambition is and what the dream is and what we really want for ourselves. I know for me it made it extra clear to know what I want, what I don't want, boundaries, expectations, and all the other things imaginable. So just really think about that when you're thinking about your why, growing your business or starting a business. The why has to carry you so far. And I know it does for me. Number six, when the support slows down. So being a mama and away from any family, I have some friends around, but it's lonely. I don't have as many check-ins from friends of how are you? Nobody even cares. I think when you have a first baby, everyone's so excited. And everyone wants to know the registry and they want to buy you all this stuff and blah, blah, blah, baby showers, etc. With a second baby, I can tell you how few people have checked in on me. I can tell you nobody's asked for a registry. I might do like a baby sprinkle shower thing. We'll see how that goes. But nobody seems to, it just life goes on and you make your own decisions, and that's fine. Some people might need that support more than others, but I think people just assume you're fine. I think people just think, oh, you had the baby and you're doing well. So I don't need to check in on you. You're good. But I would tell you, check in on your mom friends, especially like again, six to eight months post-postpartum. They are going to be struggling with some mental battle. I know I had a mental battle and I just felt like I had a ship fit and I didn't know how to get out of it. And it felt really isolating and lonely. And again, I think being part of communities and mom groups is so important. It's something that I really have tried to do. And I've not been perfect because of my life working, not working. I can see people when I can't. It has to be on a calendar, it has to be kind of scheduled so I don't book appointments. But it is one of the most isolating and lonely journeys on the planet, just as much as being an entrepreneur. And I always will say that just the synergy around the isolation and the loneliness. And if you don't go out and find your community, you're just not going to meet people. And it is a weird loneliness because I have a child who keeps me company all day, but it's not the same as like a mom friend who you can have a conversation with. It's not the same as like a sister or a parent or a colleague or a client or a vendor or referral partner or whatever it is. It's just a really lonely journey. And unless people are calling you or checking in on you, or people are actually like coming over to hang out with you, it just feels lonely. And I think the biggest thing we need to be mindful of, Mamas, is like we need to ask for that help. If we don't ask for that help, we're going to continue to sit in loneliness and feel sad and depressed and all of the things. We need to go out there and want to get the help. We need to go out there and want to make the connections. Otherwise, we are going to sit in sorrow. And I think we have control over that. We don't have control over certain things, but I think the one thing I know I have control over is my life. I have control over my schedule, more or less. But I want to ask for help and I want to be around people. And I don't want to be afraid to go out and meet new people. I bet there's so many other people who are in the same position as you that you can connect with. With that, you just don't even realize that's out there. So I definitely recommend finding some kind of support or help or people around anything, just anything. I know it's helped me and I know it'll help you. Number seven, your body in the middle months. Yes. Your body just doesn't feel like yours. I'll be honest, it took me about a year for me to feel like me. And then I got pregnant again. So jokes on me, I guess. But I just know physically I was starting to feel like better. I was fortunate I didn't gain too, too much weight, but I lost a lot of it quickly. And then I just had some stubborn body fat. But what I what shocked me was I did lose some hair around my hairline. I ended up getting a lot of baby hairs. And that was weird. I didn't love that. It was like between four to five months. And this was very common after everything I Googled and chat GBT'd and the whole nine. I was like, oh, okay, this is common. Like I'm just gonna have to deal with this. And I know probably for a second I'm gonna have to deal with this too. I did not love photos of me, or I would want to dress myself a certain way to kind of hide my fat or felt like my fat. I just didn't, you don't feel like yourself. Your body feels foreign to you. I know mine did for a while. It just felt like I couldn't really fit in my clothes and I was kind of in between. And it just felt uncomfortable and I hated it. Now I know going into a second baby, I can lose the weight. I can feel good in my skin. I just know it's gonna take a lot of time to get there. Like Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will your body. For me, the gym has helped me tremendously to feel really good and doing yoga and just taking care of myself. Because the truth is, I'm not ready for a bounce back. I think that's crazy to think you can bounce back in like two months. I don't even understand women who can do that. Kudos to you, but that's not me. I just believe in being healthy and trusting my body to they I created this life in my body, and I know that my body can shift back. It's done at once, and I feel confident that I can get there again. But for a lot of women, that's not necessarily their story. A lot of women go through traumatic births or just have massive hormonal shifts. And it can be really challenging. But I know for myself, I am trusting my body that it knows what it's gonna do. And I have to know that it just takes time. Like good things take time. My body is gonna do what it needs to do. And I have to trust the process of this and know like it's gonna be hard. It's not gonna be easy, but I know I want to feel confident in my skin. And who knows? I might look to hire a functional health person to help me with food and nutrition and to balance my hormones. But your hormone shift, just so anyone listening to this, is very normal. And your body not feeling 100%, even four to six months later, is very normal. Like your body went through something incredible to bring a human into this world. But that also meant you as a human went through so much too. So give yourself the grace and the kindness that your body is going through something insane and you're not like it took like I look at it like this too. It took you nine, 10 months to grow a human, right? With other exceptions, of course, if you have a baby earlier, et cetera. But let's say nine, 10 months, it took for you to grow a human. Expect your body to take minimally, at the bare minimum, nine, 10 months to feel a little bit more like yourself. So if you can gauge anything or have any point to that, that's a good starting point to at least know like it's not gonna happen tomorrow. But if you nourish your body, you eat the best that you can, you move your body to some level, any little bit helps. Like just 1% better every day. Number eight, the growth that nobody sees. So you bring a baby into the world, you grow a lot. I know for me, I matured a lot. Not that I didn't feel mature, but I mean, I'm really responsible for like a human being. And it's crazy. Like, can I like just like go back? No, I'm just kidding. But it's crazy that you are responsible for this human being. And for women especially, patience is important. And there's some days I'm gonna lose my shit and not have patience. My husband literally admits he could never stay at home with a baby all day. He would die. Like, even recently, I had him watch the baby for a couple hours. And he's like, Oh, God, four hours. I watched the baby for four hours. It was so much. Like, can you take over? And it's like, okay, I like do this all the time. So I love that this is exhausting to you because this is exhausting and it's tiring. And it is a strength. Like for any woman who has patience in general, and then you have a baby with patience. God bless, because it is hard and I generally have patience, but it's very, very challenging and it's not easy. But it is something you grow and learn over time. Even for me, like my growth is tremendous to a point where pre-baby, I never worked at a daycare, I never babysat kids. I just didn't even think I was maternal to have a child. I didn't even think it was possible. And here I am, when after I had my baby, I was nervous. I remember I hired a night nurse consultant to help like bathe the baby, and I like freaked out and cried. I thought, how am I gonna bathe my child? And now I bathe him every day. Well, most days. Even changing a diaper, I was so nervous to change a diaper. Now I slap on a diaper in two seconds. We grow that with confidence, but we grow that with like practice. Like when we practice more and more and more and do the same thing repetition-wise every day, we we're only gonna get better. That to me is tremendous growth. And even just thinking about where I was 17 months ago to where I am today in my business growth, but also my baby's growth, it feels amazing to have this new set of confidence that I never had. This is one of the hardest things I've ever done, raising a human being. But also building a business is freaking hard too. And that's why I talk so much about the comparison of motherhood and entrepreneurship, because you are growing a seed to write growth and scaling. And for your child, it's growth and developmentally just changing. My son changes literally all the time. And the growth that I see him have is amazing. And I know I'm a big part of that, you know, and that's so much pride in myself that I'm able to grow this human in my body, birth this human out of my body. And now I get the privilege to watch this human grow up and right in front of my eyes. And the changes just change every day. So, like, take the pictures, the videos, like do all the things because it really you blink and you can't believe time just goes because it's wild. Because last but not least, why this season is so sacred. Just going back to that, right? I am very fortunate as an entrepreneur to be able to be home with my son and also work. It is not the easiest thing to do, but with the right help, it's everything. I just love seeing him smile and laugh and giggle. I love that he's walking now. And we're just going in slow mornings and just finding joy. And it's been really hard. This is one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I love being at home with my son. It's why I built my business. I built my business where I can work to live, not live to work. My goal to be an entrepreneur is to be at home with my son. And I want to spend time with him. I want to make memories with him. I want to enjoy life with him. It's not easy at all, but he's worth it. He's worth every little ounce of just joy. And there's some days that's not joyful. I'm not going to lie to you. There's plenty of days where it's hard. And I think, what the fuck did I get into? But my son is just so happy and so joyful and so loving. And I'm just learning every day on how to raise him and what to feed him and his quirks. And now I know his cues of when he's tired or when he's not tired, or when he's hungry, or I can smell his poopy diaper and he needs a diaper change. This season of life is so like when you look at somebody's life, like even me being a child or you being a child listening to this, your childhood is really such a formative years in your life, but they're so short. We're really an adult for most of our life when we think about this. And so being able to be at home with my child for this sacred amount of time before he like right goes to kindergarten. And I'm gonna say not everybody has childcare, not everybody has pre-K, not everybody has certain circumstances where their kid can go to like a nursery school. But I would say 90 to 95% of children are going to kindergarten. And so those years that I get to spend with him, I don't want to miss out on that. If I don't have to, there has to be some kind of balance in life. But truthfully, I love this season of life of being with him. And if it wasn't for the business I had and the life I had, I would want to be home with him. Look, you need breaks. Don't get me wrong, you go crazy. But I really am enjoying this time as much as I possibly can, even when it's hard and even when it's tough. It's still just, I'm so fortunate I'm able to do this. And, Mamas, I hope this inspires you to think about your life where you can work, but also be at home with your child or your children. Because the quiet middle isn't flashy. Because there's no meal train or hospital bracelet. There's no dramatic milestone announcement. But this is where so much of the real work happens. This is where you stop surviving and start integrating. This really helped me to integrate my life of both a business owner and a mother to feel like I'm getting some sustainability and pushing the moving the needle in the right direction. You renegotiate your identity, you recalibrate your nervous system, you rebuild your marriage, but most importantly, you redefine your ambition. It's not loud growth, it's not aesthetic growth, it's layered internal and visible growth. Because if you're in the five to eight month postpartum window, and you're wondering why it feels so much harder than you expected, you're not broken. You're in the quiet middle. And that quiet middle builds the foundation for everything else that comes next. Thanks so much for listening. This is just the beginning. Subscribe now to Raising Hustle and get ready for raw stories, real talk, and unapologetic ambition. We're showing up messy, loud, and all in. Because success doesn't wait for quiet. Let's raise our voices, our businesses, and our babies together.